My problem(s) with the One Ted

Or United, as it is more commonly known.

1. Their spinoff airline is called Ted ... a part of United. I get it. Uni-Ted. Clever. Brad and I flew Ted from LAS to ORD and were creeped out by the repeated "Ted says ..." announcements — as in "Ted wants you know that this Boeing 757 has 6 exits" "Ted is offering a variety of beverages on today's flight" "Ted knows you have a choice in air travel" "Ted hopes to see you again on a future flight."

2. I booked our recent flights around the Mainland through United but our itinerary included flights on US Airways and Northwest. June 16, we check in at LAS for our flight to ILM via ORD and CLT. United/Ted has no customer service people at LAS to answer any questions. It is just row after row of check-in kiosks and a handful of people that only have the ability to put luggage tags on bags and send them down a conveyor belt. They don't even know how to read said luggage tags to tell you if your bag's final destination is the same as your's. They certainly can't correct that the kiosk has charged you for a 2nd bag despite the fact that your tickets were purchased 8 months earlier and should not be subjected to a fee, even though you have a printout of the United baggage rules, from United's Web site, in your hand. And don't even think about figuring out why you are checked in for your first two flights of the day but not the last one ... just move it through security and hope that someone at a future airport will be able to help you.

3. So I get to Chicago and the US Airways people tell me that despite the fact that I'm waving a confirmed itinerary at them, United has canceled my flight from CLT to ILM and there are no more seats available that day. With 20 minutes to go before the flight to CLT leaves, they send Brad (because I am in the bathroom freaking out) to the United customer service desk. The United people at ORD tell Brad, "Well, we have you confirmed on that flight to ILM. This is US Airways' error (despite the fact that United changed my itinerary 6 separate times between October and June). We don't fly to ILM. There's nothing we can do. You should just get on the flight to CLT and see if they can straighten it out there." Convenient, passing us on to someone else. Way to get things done. In the end, a wonderful and very patient US Airways employee in Charlotte named Lindsay S. was able to fix the problem for us and send us on our way. I love US Airways ... seriously.

3. Everyone knows about the booking fiascoes I had when Aloha and ATA went out of business. I was fortunate in the fact that the trip I'd booked for my friend J's wedding, although mainly on ATA, had been purchased through United. That meant that United had to reaccommodate me on their airline. Thank goodness for United ... I doubt I'll ever say that again. I am supposedly on direct/nonstop flights from here to DEN and back. After I contacted United to be reaccommodated, priceline.com (aka my travel agent) sent me an e-mail saying that I had bypassed them by changing my itinerary directly with the airline and they would not be able to keep me updated on any future schedule changes. I was OK with that. But, low and behold, on Wednesday I get another e-mail from priceline saying, "Changes have been made to your itinerary" and below that it shows me going from here to DEN and from DEN to PHX. I've been to Phoenix. I don't want to go back. And I certainly don't want to stay there indefinitely. So I log on to United's Web site and check my itinerary. It still says that I'm still coming all the way home with no stops. I make Brad call United and he's told the same thing. I suppose I should find that reassuring, but I don't. Who do I trust? The travel agency that said I was on my own, or an airline that has left me hanging before? I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.